The Hidden Source of Burnout for Working Moms
Working moms are at the end of their rope when it comes to burnout. According to a recent study, 68% of working mothers report experiencing burnout, compared to just 42% of working fathers, and this figure likely underestimates the level of stress that working moms encounter.
Tempted though we may be to blame COVID and the associated disruptions to work, school, and life, there is a longer-term trend that is threatening the mental health of all moms, and working moms in particular: intensive parenting.
Intensive parenting is the main driver of the trend towards overscheduling family time.
Intensive parenting is rooted in the belief that children must be actively stimulated and nurtured to ensure proper social and educational development. This stands in sharp contrast to parenting styles of previous generations, in which parents took a more hands-off approach and children were given copious amounts of unstructured playtime to amuse themselves. When I was younger, I would ride my banana-seat bicycle (complete with streamers dangling from the handlebars) around my neighborhood for hours, and the only rule was that I would steer clear of heavily-trafficked roads–and my mom was on the overprotective side!
Intensive parenting takes a different approach altogether, requiring parents to be “on” at all times: to engage their children in conversation, to find appropriate activities, to arrange playdates to ensure proper socialization . . . the requirements are endless. There is no downtime in intensive parenting, which means that there are no breaks in the notorious second-shift shouldered primarily by working moms. Personally, I have spent more time and effort choosing the right school for my 11 year-old son than my mom did in my entire childhood. I’m not upset that my mom put in less time than I did. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m more concerned about why I–and millions of moms like me–deliberate about every single decision pertaining to the actual or perceived well-being of my child. Being a mom has never been easy–it’s called the toughest job for a reason–but being a mom in the era of intensive parenting is next level.
Which brings me to question, why. Why do parents feel the need to engage in intensive parenting? The reasons for the emergence of this style of parenting are complex and wide-ranging, but one major factor is the increasingly unstable and unpredictable job market, which preys on parents’ fears of not having adequately prepared their children. Parents may perceive that their children will be left behind if they don’t provide every opportunity for social, physical, and educational growth that they can afford–and even ones they can’t. Many of these activities come with a high price tag and bar for participation, and it is important to note that cost prevents many working class families from participating in these activities at the same level or with the same intensity, thereby exacerbating pre-existing inequalities.
What does it mean for working moms? Unprecedented stress and exhaustion. We might expect that as more moms work outside the home, the number of hours they spend caring for their children would decrease, but THE EXACT OPPOSITE IS TRUE! Working mothers spend more time on childcare than stay-at-home mothers did 40 years ago. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, working moms spent an average of 12.9 hours per week caring for children, vs. 10.6 hours spent by stay-at-home moms in 1965. Despite the collective image we have of the 1960s stay-at-home mom dutifully playing with her children and shuttling them to activities, time-use data shows that moms in the 1960s spent most of their time on household tasks such as cooking and cleaning. Today’s working moms spend less time doing household work (some has been outsourced and some has been picked up by partners in 2-person households), and they frequently multi-task, managing children’s activities while working or cramming in work phone calls as they wait for a child to finish a piano lesson.
The toll on working mothers is staggering and often overlooked. First, there is the sheer amount of time that moms spend tracking down and organizing these activities, the thankless, tedious work of registering children, coordinating schedules, arranging carpools, etc. This work hits a fever pitch when it comes time to plan for summer break (which, for the uninitiated, usually starts in January): What camp should they go to? Where are the camps located? Who will drop them off and pick them up? (Another note to the uninitiated: summer camps enter into an unofficial agreement to start and end at different times so that there is no consistency and parents are in a constant state of anxiety about missing a pick-up). If there are multiple children, can they all go to the same camp? Is it okay to send a sibling to a camp that is better suited for their sister? Working parents have to do these mental gymnastics for all 12 weeks of the summer, and the new school year brings no relief, instead ushering in a new round of scheduling.
Next, there is the sheer physical labor of getting everyone to where they need to be when they need to be there. Weekends offer little respite and sometimes are even busier than weekdays, which means that parents who want to catch up on sleep have to wait until, wait, let’s see, that’s right . . . NEVER. It’s not that parents don’t enjoy the activities, but the relentless pace and perceived pressure to schedule every moment has become a drain to the overall mental well-being of working mothers.
Intensive parenting is particularly stressful because it amplifies the guilt working moms commonly experience. They already feel like they can never do enough for their jobs or their children, and they feel guilty about feeling frustrated by the endless work-drive-repeat cycle. It’s critical to recognize the added burden that moms face with intensive parenting. Even if parents try to resist it, they may feel pressure to conform because organized activities are the primary form of socialization for many children.
What can working moms do to deal with the double-whammy of intense jobs and intensive parenting? Here are three things you can do to start reclaiming your life from the ever-escalating demands of intensive parenting:
Designate one activity-free weeknight (Fridays don’t count).
No one, including your kids, likes to be on the go constantly. As difficult as it sounds, find one evening a week (and it may change during the course of the school year) that will be activity-free. Hint: it probably won’t be a Tuesday or Wednesday, but a Monday or Thursday might work. Monday is great because it gives everyone time to transition from the weekend to the weekday pace, and Thursday does the same, except in reverse. This should be a time when children can be the masters of their own time and parents feel free to do something for themselves.
Let Your Children Take the Lead.
Does your child want to take Japanese wood blocking class? Sometimes, in our zeal to inspire our kids, we go overboard. At the end of the day, a child is unlikely to suddenly discover a passion completely unrelated to anything they have done previously. Resist the temptation to put them in activities that they aren’t interested in and heed the great words of the gambler himself: Know when to hold them, know when to fold them. Stop the activity if it is not enjoyable. Maybe you will forgo part of the registration fee, but that is a small price to pay to not have to shuttle kids to activities they don’t want to do.
Set an Activity Limit.
The downside of intensive parenting is that it can lead to adults who are accustomed to scheduled time and don’t know what to do with unscheduled time. By providing pockets of unscheduled time, you are providing your children with an opportunity to build important skills.
