The Anger Trap for Women Leaders
Take a second to think about the way we talk about a man expressing anger in the workplace. What words are used to describe a woman expressing anger at work?
Bitchy. Bossy. Aggressive.
What words are used to describe a man who expresses anger at work?
There aren’t any. As long as he is not physically or verbally abusive to his co-workers, a man who expresses anger in the workplace is viewed positively. People are likely to attribute his anger to a precipitating factor: “Oh, something must have been really wrong for him to react like that!” When a woman expresses anger at work, she is perceived as an angry person and is penalized: “What’s wrong with her? She is always so angry.” Unfortunately, the situation is even worse for women of color, especially black women, who must contend with the “angry black woman” stereotype.
Any woman with a pulse has experienced a double standard at work. But what makes this one particularly relevant during Maternal Mental Health month is that women feel pressure to censor their emotions at work, sometimes telling themselves that they “shouldn’t” be angry. The stigma associated with anger is so strong that women leaders are often told not to express anger. The challenge is that emotions can’t be completely governed by reason, so even if you do manage to tell yourself that you “shouldn’t” be angry, you will still be angry. Personally, there are only so many ways I can gaslight myself out of anger. This situation creates a huge mental health trap for women in the workplace: they feel guilty about experiencing a natural human emotion and must engage in extreme emotional management to suppress it.
Why does the double standard about anger exist? Once again, social and cultural norms are to blame. According to psychologists Victoria Brescoll and Eric Ullmann, anger is viewed as a masculine trait, one of only two that people believe men are naturally more inclined to experience than women (The other is pride). As a result, men are rewarded for expressing anger and penalized if they don’t.
In contrast, anger is the antithesis of the American ideal of femininity. Women are expected to be patient and kind, the ones who put aside their emotions to be the peacekeepers and negotiators. Women, even those who aren’t mothers, are viewed as nurturing, and a visceral emotion like anger is viewed as incompatible with caretaking. Women can be strong, but not angry. From an early age, young girls receive cultural messages that anger is “unladylike,” impolite, and unattractive and witness unflattering caricatures of angry women. To add insult to injury, women are often criticized for being passive-aggressive, even though the primary reason they resort to passive aggression is because of the stigma associated with expressing any sort of aggression! In other words, there is no socially acceptable way for women to express anger.
Although it can be an unpleasant emotion, anger exists for a reason. Anger is a reaction to perceived unfairness or mistreatment, and the strength of the emotional response is physiologically intended to propel us to act. Think of it like pain: pain is the body’s way of making us aware that there is a threat to our physical health. Anger serves a similar purpose; it lets us know when we have experienced an affront that requires a response. There are myriad situations that trigger an angry response: perhaps a co-worker was treated unfairly, or a colleague walked back on a promise in a highly public forum, or a team member failed to deliver, causing the team to miss an important deadline. All of these are situations that require some sort of action, and to convince oneself otherwise, to just “let it go” risks allowing unacceptable behaviors to persist.
Unfortunately, women who sense the need to censor their emotions at work are right: they will be judged more harshly for expressing emotions than men are. However, the strategy of suppressing one’s emotions is not healthy or sustainable. So what is the best way for women leaders to deal with anger at work?
1. Acknowledge your anger.
Trying to talk yourself out of feeling the emotion will not work and will only make the situation worse. Even if you manage to talk yourself out of the emotion in the moment, it doesn’t go away, which means that you are more likely to be irritable and lash out at home.
Allowing yourself to experience anger, however, does not mean that you should not try to manage it. It is important for everyone to demonstrate professional restraint and respect.
2. Find a strategy to manage anger that works for you.
Some people like to take a walk if they feel worked up, others like to write their feelings down. Know what technique works best for you and deploy it if you feel yourself getting worked up and sense that you are becoming irritable.
An important caveat here is that your anger management strategy should be a solitary affair. Do NOT drag others into your anger, no matter how tempted you may be. Giving yourself permission to experience the emotion is not license to spin up everyone around you, or to say things to co-workers that you might later regret.
3. Don’t react immediately.
Unless the situation is time-sensitive, take some time to consider your response. We’ve all received email messages that push our buttons in exactly the wrong way, but it is important to take a step back and let the initial wave of anger pass before typing a hostile response. In today’s remote work environment, it is easy to misinterpret intent. If a message hits you the wrong way, sit on it for at least a few hours, read it again, and ask yourself, “Is there another way to interpret this message?” Often, a little distance takes the edge off and makes for a more effective and actionable response.
4. Think about your desired outcome.
All too often, women decide to set their anger aside and be the bigger person because they are afraid of the professional consequences of not doing so. While sometimes it makes sense to be gracious and overlook small annoyances, there will be times when it is necessary to take action and express your dissatisfaction about a situation.
You will be most effective if you have thought through what you are trying to achieve when you express your anger. Are you looking for an apology? Are you proposing a new process to avoid similar occurrences in the future? Determine the desired outcome of the situation, and then use the tone and language that best supports that outcome. Use language that speaks to the situation and, if you must provide negative feedback about/to a co-worker, be sure to use a specific example of the unacceptable behavior and how it impacted you or your team.
5. Do an emotional check-in before you leave work.
Checking your emotions before you leave work will help ensure that you do not take them home. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” If there is something bothering you, take a few moments to process your feelings and review your planned course of action. You can’t completely prevent emotions from work bleeding into home and vice versa, but the emotional check-in will help you develop a stronger awareness of how you are feeling.
