The Math of Late Motherhood Doesn’t Add Up

As a new parent with two children under the age of five, the last thing I wanted to hear was that my life could get even more hectic than it already was. After my second child’s birth, I was barely scraping by with the minimal child care that my meager salary as a university professor could cover. My husband and I were one sick caregiver away from total disaster. 

When a caregiver canceled several hours before my first class was supposed to begin, I brought my infant daughter to my office and begged my colleagues and office staff to watch her while I taught. I had no other option.

While not prone to  wish time away, I occasionally caught myself fantasizing about what our lives would be like when both of our children were in school. With no more diapers to change or hair to be brushed, I imagined that we would be swimming in free time. Oh, the things we would accomplish when that magical day arrived!

I could not have been more wrong. 

School-age children have a variety of time demands for parents

There is a widespread assumption, especially in the workplace, that caregiving demands decrease as children get older. While it is definitely true that the need for direct physical care is most acute in the early years, the heavy labor of parenting does not magically disappear once a child enters elementary school. As a young parent, I didn’t realize that although elementary school would reduce the logistical and financial burdens of full-time child care, it brought a new set of responsibilities, like school conferences, after-school activities, and the occasional call from the principal. Managing children’s activities–summer camps, playdates, school projects, sleepovers, after-school practices–can become a planning nightmare that strikes fear in even the most intrepid project manager. Parents who have had to race from one side of town to another in a frantic rush to pick up their children in time windows that exceed the boundaries of human reason (e.g., “You must pick your child up by 4:21 p.m. or pay $100 for every minute after”) know exactly what I mean.

Hoping that things will change in middle and high school?  Think again. While most children are able to get themselves dressed for school (whether you approve of their clothing choices is another matter entirely), the time parents gain from that independence is quickly lost to the unpredictable demands of adolescence. As they approach young adulthood, teenagers must navigate increased academic demands, complex social dynamics, and after-school jobs, to name a few, all against the constant backdrop of social media. Parents may find that the child who was pushing them away the day before suddenly demands help and attention dealing with a difficult social situation. Many parents of adolescents report that their children often don’t report on the happenings of their day until late at night, forcing them to make the unenviable choice between supporting their child or getting sufficient rest (and yes, those parents DID ask the children how their days when they got home from work, only to be told that the day was “fine” when it clearly wasn’t). 

My high school age daughters did not need me to brush their hair every morning, but they needed a different kind of presence that was almost more intense than when they were toddlers. I needed to be there to support them through everything from academic disappointments to fights with friends, and the schedule was completely unpredictable. We would have several quiet months where I thought we had settled into a groove, only to have another unexpected situation derail the calm. 

All of this takes a toll on working parents, but it is rarely acknowledged in the workplace. It is time for that to change.

Workplace flexibility is often associated with the needs of babies and toddlers

When we think that the time intensive part of parenting is limited to the infant-preschool time period, we have an unrealistic view of the demands of parenting. And yet, the thinking about  workplace flexibility is often likewise limited to this narrow window of our children’s lives. Since workplace flexibility is associated with preschool-age children, there is an assumption that after children reach the magical age of five and begin school, work-life balance problems become a thing of the past. 

This couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Every child is different, and every parent’s journey is different. Clinging to the mistaken belief that caregiving becomes less burdensome over time increases the likelihood that the needs of parents of older children–many of whom are just as stressed as their younger counterparts–will remain invisible.

Parents of older children need flexible time to meet their teen’s needs

I’ve been a parent for 21 years, and I just wrapped up what has been the most stressful year of parenting to date. The debate program at my daughter’s high school fell apart, leaving me and several other parents to organize a Booster club and chart a path forward. My son in elementary school struggled with the transition from online to in-person school, and my evenings have been spent monitoring homework and providing extra guidance and support. And now, every once in a while, I catch myself daydreaming about the good old days when my kids were toddlers and their problems were easier to solve.

If you are the parent of an older child and feel overwhelmed, know that you are not alone. If you have parents of older children on your team, don’t fall prey to the pervasive assumption that their parenting responsibilities have disappeared. Parenting teenagers can be just as, if not more, demanding than parenting toddlers, and workplace flexibility is essential at every stage of parenting, not just the early years.